she seen those things she wasnt supposed to , IT WAS MY PHONE I SWEAR ,
ah i hate this . the second things go good something happens , He can never know .
i feel so horrible . zim dieing , I literally almost busted in tears . This kills me , Right when were becoming okay this has to happen ?! i hate that your history w/ other girls ruins things , Cause you got around to the girls around the school it makes me feel like i was just another notch , Was i ever something special ? did i mean anything different ? Or do you make fun of me to your friends too ,? Now that were not what we were am i no longer that softball player exception ? & i heard you spit the same game to her that you try spitting to me? is this true ? Dude , I trusted you . & i feel terrible that she seen what she seen , Cos that was a BIG accident , i didnt know it was even still on my phone . O_O But i cant believe your doing this ? Why , Like honestly why ? if you dont care to much bouut me thats cool , Im good w/ it , Ill get over it . Im a big girl , But yaa cant go around saying what you did to me , you cant make me fall again if you wont catch me . Im glade you answered me straight at least , But daamn . Did you say the same to her ? i dont know anymore , all that time i trusted you , Idk . Just all this information got me twisted & confused, Idk who to believe . I can say one thing , this time wont be lke last time . Nothings happening w/ anyone unless i got him committed , Im done feeling like im easy , Or played . Im going to have more self esteem this time , Imma make decissions that i wont later be ashamed of , I know everyone calls me a whore , But i dont wanna get to the point where i believe it too . Thats the only thing i have anymore , The way i think of myself . cos to the rest of you , Im whore / druggy . So i gotta make sure i dont see it too , Cause i see myself going down ,bad bad roads, && i cant , I wanna be proud of myself , but FUCK , you make it hard .
The world sees me as everything bad , why cant anyone see the good ?
like seriously , No one ever wants to see the good in me , & they think i can take the Torture & insults . I can honestly tell you , im not as strong as i look , Im completly weak . After this year , I was brought down . Im completely broken inside & out , I barley trust anyone , I think low of myself . I hate who ive become . I wanna be the girl i used to be who thought high of herself , & Had more self respect , The one who wouldnt let anyone take advantage or hurt her , this year hasnt been long yet ive been brokken down so badly i dont know if i can ever fully recover ,
ive had the boy i trusted w/ everything that i believed would always be there for me & never hurt me like that do exactly that , Break me down farther than anyone else , In a way that i cried for months .
a bestfriend who jabbed me in the back & crushed me to another low when i was still hurt from the boy ,
& everyone else turn on me .
Now i seriously dont trust anyone , & all my secrets are flying out , & im scared , idk what to do ,My lifes spinnign out of control . & im terrified how bad the crash will be . Im hopeing not to bad , Cause i cant handle another scar , Ive got plenty deep ones already . : /
Fri, February 5th 2010
Thu, February 4th 2010
soo , What i wanna know is why do you love to play me like a yoyo ? really .
basically youll talk to me when no ones around / only YOUR friends are around / through text , Sometimes you dont even bother replying . Yet you tell me you want to do things w/ me ?! WTF ?! everyone can see how i feel about you . Why do you bring me in . Ive got my mind set , Im going to ask you if you do . & if not then its w/e . we can be friends but you CANT say stuff like that to me , cause you know how much youve hurt me , Why are you gunna just hurt me some more ? I thought you said you never ment to hurt me ? so why do you keep on hurting me ? like honestly . What ever happened to this past summer , i remember it all & EXACTLY how we felt . evryday i felt better & bettter about myself . till you took it all away & tore it down of course. why cant you just see all the love i have for you & how great we can be , Ya know you & me . They all see it , we feel it , Yet you avoid it. i dont understand . One day i will know how you feel cos i can feel it from you , the next idk what to think err doo . Im scared to ask those questions that i need to ask , Cos im scared of loosing you again . i cant feel all that pain again , I really cant . But i want no matter your answer , For us to stay friends . It may kill me to just be a friend . But w/ out you im dead .
so just answer my questions tonight , No games , no lies .
You , me , & feelings & truth . Thats all i want from you ,
Thu, February 4th 2010
Sun, January 31st 2010
has changed , its the same games , same heartache, same everything . So why did i for one second think itd be different ? because i thought you were someone to believe in .
But i now decided to meet new guys and give them that chance , Maybe youll eventually see that i always waas there waiting for you , Loveing you when you never knew . But thats fine & dandy if you dont . Because by the time im gone it wont effect me . But for your sake if you have the slightest thought of me & you , do something before its completely out of your reach .
Sun, January 31st 2010
Fri, January 29th 2010
ooo , oooo , ooo , oooo . (x2)
I thought about you , and all that weve become .
i thought about, all the battles that i wish i had won .
I thought about , all those night i cried myself to sleep ,
i though about; everything thats you & me .
i realized that never is anything perfect ,
i figured out , its all a lie theres no happy ending.
theres only heartbreak , & what used to be .
& now there isnt even a you & me .
why dont; they just,
tell you in the beginning ,
about ;all the ,
heartbreak id be feeling
they never ; tell you
How it feels in the ending,
They only; tell you,
about the happy ending.
but what do you do when you dont get that chance.
Do you just sit at home & cry about the past.
i thought about , what all my friends told me about you,
i thought about , evrything you once told too me ,
like that silly lie youd always say , “iloveyou”
and i realized how stupid i was being,
Im finally going to be smart & give you up now.
It hurts to much , trying to hold on .
why dont; they just,
tell you in the beginning ,
about ;all the ,
heartbreak id be feeling
they never ; tell you
How it feels in the ending,
They only; tell you,
about the happy ending.
but what do you do when you dont get that chance.
Do you just sit at home & cry about the past.
So for the last time , Ill think of you my baby ,
because its never really over for me ,
But i, need to move on with life,
because you made it clear theres nomore you and me.
im sorry , but you hurt me too deep .
why dont; they just,
tell you in the beginning ,
about ;all the ,
heartbreak id be feeling
they never ; tell you
How it feels in the ending,
They only; tell you,
about the happy ending.
but what do you do when you dont get that chance.
oooo , oooo , oooo , ooo
heartbreak is never what it seems,
ooo , oooo, ooo , oooo
just always remember your the one who left me .
Fri, January 29th 2010
well , for starters . Im done letting you make me feel lower than i am , im tierd of feeling not good enough , Im tierd of letting you get ahold of me & making me think its as good as I can get . Im done feeling like Everyone better , That im annoying , or just not a catch . Im done letting you do this , Im done being sad about you , Maybe i still will . But im letting go , You finally pushed so hard that i wont bug you anymore . Congrats. We are offically just friends , & im done trying to be those friends , If you actually decided to give a damn you have my number even tho you never bother to use it . Im done being insecure , self concious, & crying myself to sleep because you didnt tell me that i mean something . yaa’know , I actually believed you were actually starting to care . I let you smooth talk your way into my heart again . & what for ? So you can throw me to the side like youve done many times ? Im finally giving the rest of the guys in the world a chance , because I want someone who will fight for me & try talking to me , One that Makes the effort to , Because doing it all is tiering . & ya know what i feel stupid for even being upset when i found out you had a date , I guess i was just upset cause when i actually supposadly “ment something to you” you wouldnt go for me , But now some other girl can get you too . I guess thats what really bothered me . I guess even back then i didnt mean much , I learned that pretty easy . I guess i didnt want to really accept the fact that you never really gave a fuck . Oh , i take that back , Maybe you did over the summer , But once it involved being in Public or other girls that went away , “as close to forever as possible” why make promises you werent going to keep ? I guess im just another one of those stupid girls who think that people do change & maybe if you truely care they will too . Ive learned im COMPLETLY wrong . Maybe i did take those convos way out of perportion , Maybe i am just stupid but yaaknow what ? i really did care , and you knew that . Ive been broken for a while my wounds werent completly healed , & you ripped them open again . Those convos any one could say werent completly just friends kindaa thing , maybe it was your hope for a bootycall like last time . But im done trying . I give up , you win . I never was something you found worth fighting for , if you found out that i had found someone new & ive moved on , would it even bother you one bit ? if you saw me kissing someone else would you feel that punch in your gut kindaa thing ? cause im pretty sure you wouldnt , so i wont either anymore .
Just friends . i get it , Ill learn it . & i guess thats what it is .& im done fighting for more esp , when it dont Phase you One damn fucking bit .
Sorry , had to vent somewhere .
Fri, January 29th 2010
